blog 101

this is a thought not fully cooked. and this is when i know i've not taken blog 101. do you think first, then post? or post any fool thing that pops in your head and then think on it - and be sorry for your first sorry-azz post. i don't know. i haven't taken blog 101.

but when i think about how complex we are, our emotions, wants, pains, just our way of making it through this world, it makes me want to just sit down - until i die. i am not a "why" thinker. there is no why -i've known this - there is no answer that will ever work for someone asking "why" to any BIG question of life. and if someone claims they can give you the answer, you be very suspicious and ask for their credentials. you'll find they've been photoshopped.

it is the constant change up between one thought/emotion and another that is wearying. every once in a while i get a glimpse of what my new life without my mom is going to look like. one moment, i see this is going to be okay, not MY idea of okay by any means, but i see the whole fabric of life, the duality, the "there's no love without it's flip side," all that stuff that works for most people most times. i see there's no sitting out this grief stuff; i am in the game. at other times i see the other side - life is appreciably less colorful without her; less love for me without her; less trust; less connection. and what is true for me has to be true for anyone else who has lost someone - there is a hole, a big sucking void - and there is no mom-relief-pitcher ready to fill it in.

one has to re-assemble the life. and this is not a passive thing. it never has been for me when i've had the rug pulled out from under my feet. do i have an appreciation for what i've lost and found again, for how many times i've pulled myself out of the pit and gone on? not until now. and again i have decisions to make - what do i do with this raw material that's been placed in my unwilling hands?