i spent this last weekend in langley, washington on whidbey island - the langley murder mystery weekend - 9 of us, friends and family of friends, spending the weekend playing games and wandering the town in search of who killed the victim - victor mills.
the last time this (basically) same group of folk and i hung out was for halloween weekend up at cama beach on camano island - and i was pretty sad the whole time - at its worst, i would feel just this sheet of "sad" sliding down over me and i would have to put on shoes and leave to walk hard, until i could stand it again. this last weekend, i was bracing for some of the same. some nice family dynamics were there that used to be mine and are no longer - and make me yearn for something i'll never have here on earth - something so sweet that it causes me pain to witness at the same time it heals my heart.
something i spoke about today: if there's one thing i want people to know about me right now is that even if i am laughing and having a good, good time, i am still missing my mom, even now, 10 months later, and the same will be true 12 month, 24 months; there won't be a time that i'll be "cured" of this. and i don't want to be. to be cured means, to me, that the loss of her in my life won't matter to me, and it will always matter to me.
but for this past weekend, it was pretty-near as good as it gets for me just lately and for that i am grateful today.
love
christine
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