regret teaches me

this is one of those things i knew before but didn't really KNOW before, or at least understand it fully.

my dad and i have had regrets surrounding the end of my mom's life; he had his and i had mine. and in trying to comfort him about his, i've had a moment of clarity about my own and how, ideally, i would like to live my life.

regarding my wonderful dad, i told him that he couldn't personally, tom-to-judy, ask forgiveness of my mom or give it either. that moment was gone, and at some point he might like to take himself off that hook. me, among some other things, i really, really wish i had taken her on a day trip to Poipu beach on Kaui. she didn't go because, according to the information, it wasn't a flat, easy surface. but she had been to poipu beach; she had stayed with my dad at the hotel that is on it. i could have made it happen. but, because i wanted, really, an afternoon by myself, like a nurse away from her case, i didn't take her with me. and i regret this.

but neither my dad nor i knew that we were all in her final weeks of life. had we known, we would have acted differently; i know this because we loved her so much. we never meant to be cruel; we were just being human. and just this morning, because sometimes i'm a slow learner, i really got that we should all treat each other as terminal cases - because that's the case, isn't it? i didn't know i'd never get another chance to get it right with my mom with Poipu beach; but i should have acted as though i did know. and i should, and will try, to extend that to all whom i come upon.