how to start? my mother died in april of 2008. it has been the hardest almost 9 months of my entire life. & i can feel myself evolving, changing - for the better? i really don't know - who's to say. what i know for sure is that the pain i have felt over this year, & continue to feel, can literally take my breath away & bring me to my knees with grief. it has shaken what i feel about some very elemental things in my life - love, faith, luck, love's permanence, good, bad, holding on, letting go.
the first thing i feel has changed is the idea that because it's my parent, someone who was supposed to go before me, it shouldn't hurt this bad. something that is normal and expected, it shouldn't tear your heart out of your chest. but some days it does.
and the second thing - which is also still tied to thing #1 - if there is a god who is there at all times for me - & his eye is on me, the sparrow - why can't i feel his comfort? and it might come down to what joan didion wrote: there is no eye on the sparrow. if i'm supposed to learn something by this pain, then that something comes at much too high a price. if god is the cosmic bandaid, then now, almost 10 months into this thing, i feel no healing by god's presence. only a void where i used to think he lived and watched.
i will see where this year takes me. but today, on the second day of this new year, it really does not feel like any place i want to go.
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