January 4th - Sunday

this is the thing - the process of grief is a lot like a roller coaster (not my own thought - i read this in a lot of grief books/handouts). and the thing about roller coasters, they're tons of fun in short spurts - but being on a roller coaster for months at a time gets very exhausting. you dream of having your emotions look more like this -----. a nice straight line. i sleep a lot - i can sleep for 12 hours at a go on my days off. i dream of trying to find my mom on a boat and just missing her. i dream that all the tires on my car are flat and i can't find my phone to call AAA. i dream of wanting things i can't have.

the major tenet of buddhism is that the reason man suffers is because he wants; he clings to things. but isn't this what being human is? how do we separate ourselves from the clinging? because i'm understanding that clinging and wanting what i can't possibly have is why this is such a struggle.

there are moments where i think, my mom is dead - okay; that's not too bad a thought. life is good, she's not suffering, she had a good life, she loved me so much and i loved her; okay, next thought - look something shiny. but then i think, my mom is dead - and i want i want i want i want - and i cry. how can the same thought provoke different responses?

it comforts me to read how other faiths and people in different places handle death and loss. i think i'll be making a better acquaintance with the dalai lama. i heard him speak at key arena 2 days after my mother's death and it gave my heart some ease.

here's to better days

christine