i was driving down pine street, window down, sun setting ... and the thought of the very evening that my mom died came into my head; while it was still cold and snowy and even rainy, my molecules didn't remember that we are coming to the season, the first time through, of when my mom died. but it's coming quickly. and i have made arrangements for it, which is not the same as saying i'm prepared for it. i wish i had a crystal ball to see how the next couple of weeks are going to be for me.
this molecular memory, your DNA knowing your history - i've known this existed before; my mood changes without me knowing exactly why, and then i look at the calendar - OH, THAT's why. big hits shake the body, soul whiplash - effects for how long? i know how long; as long as it takes.
tomorrow i'm going to an all-day retreat (with labyrinth) for cancer survivors - but i'll be sneaking in my grief for my mom - suggested questions to consider on the hand-out: How might walking this path heal me? who am i if not my disease (my grief)? what is truly important to me? and a few more questions that intellects better than my own have given thought to. i will give it my best, for sure.
love,
christine
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